Wednesday, January 6, 2010

wall

Constructed carefully. Each brick hand picked and set myself. As tall and as wide as I want. As strong and durable as I feel necessary. This wall is my friend. Maybe my best friend. It also doubles as my counselor. I don't really talk to this wall, you see. I just throw my feelings in it's direction and I'm done.

My wall has this awesome quality of stopping whatever I throw at it from getting to the outside world. Great characteristic, I think. Though I've been told it's really not all that.

Apparently it's not so safe to make best friends with a wall. I say to those people-y'all don't know what you're missing! Really, you don't!

You see, this wall has worked great since childhood. Built by me several years ago...still standing after years of abuse. Many ugly words, physical abuse and loss upon loss. It takes it all. I really should have been a brick layer. Okay-maybe not.

After all, this wall of mine, that I built myself, isn't really there. It's just a figment of my imagination. And as I get older the game of pretend is starting to wear off. I've been fooled. By my own self. Odd.

It's taken some time to realize this. Some time that I would have rather spent building my wall much higher. Much stronger. But, I've run out of bricks. I've run out of mortar. And honestly, I don't want to go get more. It's quite expensive.

The cost of building materials have gone up. Pretty expensive now, if you ask me. This wall I talk so fondly of has become an enemy of sorts. The great job it was doing of keeping my feelings in and away from others has now started to hurt me. And those very close to me. Mainly my husband. That wall. That blasted wall.

It's time I take you down. Piece by piece. No more holding back how I feel. No more ignoring how my husband feels. No more. Wall, I love you, you've been great. But now it's time to be honest with myself. With my husband. With my family and friends.

No more relying on the wall to keep me safe.

It's God's turn.



5 comments:

Amanda said...

OK wow was that suppose to bring me to tears becuase it has, I knwo hwo you feel with yrou wall for I have one of my own. I pray that God gives you the strength you need to break through your wall and see the yellow brick road on the other side. Love you tyra

Camillia said...

Praying for you! It will be tough, but totally worth it! God is a lot better of a best friend...He loves you back :)

lovingmylife said...

Hey! Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my photos. I love reading my comments. :) I have a Nikon D3000 and love it. You have to use DX lenses with it but there are some really nice auto focusing DX lenses. I will probably one day update to a "fancier" camera but i am set for a long while! My friend has a Cannon which is nice because the camera has built in image stabilization whereas the Nikon has in in the lenses. Have fun researching and dreaming. We saved for 4 years for this one and it was worth every penny. Oh look into Ritz Camera they offer full camera and lens warranties which to me is essential since my camera goes everywhere I go and has the possibility of getting wet, broken, dropped or who knows what. Ok I'm all done. :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, that is one of the struggles of my heart as well. Thanks for putting it into words. BEAUTIFUL!

Nikki said...

Great post Tyra! You wrote exactly how I feel sometimes. You're such a gifted writer.