Ryan

Ryan Thomas Guiles.
My firstborn.
First boy.
June 17th, 2003.
He got his first name from his Daddy-Robert Ryan Guiles.
His middle name he got from my Dad, John Thomas. They share the same middle name.
I can't explain the joy he brought his Dad and I the day he was born.
An unplanned surprised.
Happily welcomed by friends and family.
The first Grandson for both sets of Grandparents.
Pure joy.

It's been almost six years since I have seen him. Since I have held him in my arms. Kissed him goodnight. Ran my fingers through his baby fine hair. Rocked him to sleep. Made his bottle. Gave him a bath. Got him up in the morning. Played outside.

My heart hurts for him. It aches. I want so bad to hold him and squeeze him tight. Hear him call me mommy more than just over the phone. I want to run my fingers through your thick curly hair. I want to watch you run and play. Push you on the swings.

I want so bad for you to know your brothers. For you to run and play with them. What I wouldn't do to have you here with me. To share you with your Daddy. I hope to come see you soon.

Until then, Ryan, I love you. I miss you. I pray for you all the time. I pray for your family in Michigan. I pray that when we do meet again you know exactly who I am. That we connect like it's only been a week since we've seen one another. I can't wait to see your Daddy and your Grandparents, too. It was rough but I still care for them. They still hold a special place in my heart. Just like you, Ryan.

I love you, my firstborn.